Going Commando: A Documentary
by evilsockofghana
Summary: Little episodes from the life and times of Team Gai. Part of the Documentary Stories.
1. Wherein Gai Sensei is not a pickle

Authors Note: I have discovered that imitating Gai really gets your blood pumping.

"Gai-sensei…" whispered a strange voice over the communicator. "Gai-sensei…"

He paused in midpose, startled. Who was speaking to him over the communicator? Could it be his Eternal Rival, the amazingly **hip** and **cool** Kakashi? No, his Eternal Rival was too modern to be whispering to him in a creepy voice. It must be …. **Someone Else**!

He prepared himself for a confrontation by performing several poses. Then he answered the call.

"Yes? Who is this? This is not my Eternal Rival, the amazingly **hip** and **cool **Kakashi…for he is far too modern to speak to me in such an un-cool way! I, Gai-sensei, answer your challenge to be creepy with **Youthful Exuberance**, and if I fail, I shall do the worm around Konoha 1500 times!"

And then he promptly started breathing very heavily and loudly into the communicator in order to out-creepiness his newest opponont with **Youthful Exuberance**! He struck a pose and breathed louder and more hoarsely.

There was an odd choking noise from the other end of the line. He must be winning with his **Magnificent and Youthful** display of creepiness.** All Right**!

Whoever was on the other end began to speak of Other Things. Magnificent tactics, manufacturing a subject change in the middle of the contest! He struck a pose and then listened to the voice.

"Gai-sensei…you look very green…"

"Why, thank you! It is my specially manufactured—"

"Yes, I know." The voice cut him off. "You look…very….very…green."

"Yes! Green is good!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"MAGNIFICENT!"

"AH!" There was a strangled noise from the other end. "Don't shout into the communicator!"

The person cleared their throat. "You look…green. Like a pickle."

Again Gai-sensei had to pause midpose. A serious question had arisen in his mind, and it **had to be answered**!

"…is a pickle youthful?"

There was a pause.

"No."

"Then how can you say that I, Maito Gai, resemble such an uncool and nonhip thing as a pickle which is not youthful? The very idea is preposterous!"

"But you do you look like a pickle."

"…do not!"

"Do too."

"Do not!"

-…-

Neji looked at Tenten. "You all done?"

She nodded. "Call sensei on the communicator and tell him we're heading back in."

He dialed Gai-sensei's number.

"I AM NOT A PICKLE!"

Slowly, he brought the communicator back down to his ear and Tenten looked at him questioningly. He solemnly shook his head.

They headed back in silence.


	2. Wherein it is taco night for team Gai

Authors Note: This is so easy to do. Just take any activity, have team Gai do it, and voila! New chappy for the ficcy.

On an amusing note, you know you've done Gai dialogue or narration right when there are no periods, just exclamation points and lots of capitals and bold letters.

"Team Gai! **ALERT**!"

Tenten and Neji blinked lazily at their sensei, while Rock Lee sprang to attention. "What is it, sensei?" he shouted. Gai struck a pose.

"It is **TACO NIGHT**!"

Tenten groaned.

"But sensei, tacos are so messy and fattening!"

"We will work off the fat with training afterward!"

Neji looked at him like he was an idiot. Which he did fairly well. He had practice, training every day with Gai and Rock Lee.

"Don't you remember when you decided to work off all the fat from burrito night?" he demanded.

"And blew chunks all over the training ground?" Tenten followed up. Rock Lee and Gai looked at them for a moment, blankly. Then their stomachs growled.

**DING! DING! DING!**

Welcome, all and sundry, ladies and gentlemen, ninja and kunoichi! We are experiencing tonight a battle of epic proportions: Gai and Rock Lee's appetites versus the common sense and all-around sanity of Neji and Tenten! Who will come out on top?

Uh-oh…looks like Rock Lee has made the first move: a stomach growl of truly amazing volume and a loud proclamation that growing ninja need nutrients (ouch! That alliteration is really going to hurt the other team!) accompanied by a beautiful pose! Wow, that's a tough attack to beat, but Neji is combating with his famous "you're an idiot" stare, a classic parry! Unfortunately, Gai and Rock Lee remain unfazed! That's one of his strongest weapons, out of commission!

Tenten makes a stunning attack – she goes for the fridge? What is she doing? She—she—oh no! She's pulled out a healthy dinner! Now she's holding it out! Could this be the end of the fight?

Gai and Rock Lee are going all out! They're heading for the door! They're going—going—gone! They are out of here! Winners: Gai and Rock Lee!

What a fight! You just don't see battles that thrilling that often anymore…

-…-

Iruka and Naruto chattered happily as they chomped their tacos. The conversation was brisk and pleasant when suddenly, Naruto felt a disturbance. Alarmed, he looked around and then gave a little shriek. A manly shriek. The future Hokage did not squeal. Ever. Even when doom was approaching in green jumpsuits.

"Sensei! It's team Gai! No, wait, I don't see Neji and Tenten…_I don't see Neji and Tenten!_ Let's get out of here!" Iruka grabbed the back of his jacket to stop him from running off. He jerked him back into his seat and gave a Look.

"I don't know why you're getting so worked up. I've never actually met Gai-sensei, you know. This could be fun."

"Fun! Are you crazy, Iruka-sensei? 'cause _they_ are! Oh, great, they're heading over here. I knew we should have gone for ramen instead!"

"We've had ramen for the past three nights, and I think it was starting to come out of my ears. No. More. Ramen. Not for a while, at least." He added the last bit on quickly when he saw how devastated Naruto looked.

"Naruto!"

Naruto winced.

"Hey, thick-brows." He tried very hard to ignore Gai-sensei, which is like trying to ignore a large green whale that has suddenly decided to strike a pose within your personal space.

"Why, it is Naruto, the student of my Eternal Rival! And who is this with you?"

"Uh…" Naruto briefly considered pretending that he didn't know Iruka, to spare him the duo, but figured Iruka wouldn't know it was for own good and wouldn't go along with it. "This is Iruka-sensei."

"MAGNIFICENT!The Academy Sensei, who guides the blooming youth of our fair village into the full blossom of their youththulness! A truly **worthy** and **modern** ninja!"

Naruto peeked a glance at Iruka-sensei. How was he taking this?

Fairly well, it turned out. Luckily for Iruka, working with a batch of five-year-olds and their doting parents on a daily basis had rendered him immune to that kind of blathering nonsense. He smiled warmly at Gai.

"Why, thank you for your praise, Gai!"

"Certainly! Surely there is none more deserving—"

Naruto tuned them out. Teachers were sickening. He turned to Rock Lee.

"Hey, thick-brows! Bet I could eat more tcos than you!"

A challenge! Rock Lee was definantly up to it!

"Hey, wait a minute! I've already eaten three! You have to eat that many before we start so it'll be fair!"

Several passersby were immediately and violently ill as Rock Lee attempted to eat all three tacos. At the same time. As quickly as possible. With complete disregard for his clothes or the fact that he was _supposed_ to posess a gag reflex. Apparantly choking on your food wasn't youthful, so he'd just bypassed that particular bodily function.

The tacos eaten, he and Naruto settled down to some serious chowing. Even Gai's spouting of praise for a blushing Iruka stuttered to a halt when he glanced over and caught a glimpse of the carnage.

-…-

Neji and Tenten had just finished cleaning up after their own dinner – a normal and healthy one, thank you very much – when they heard Gai and Rock Lee returning. It sounded something like this:

"Rock Lee! We must…urgh…."

"Yesh! We must return! And..and…gurph…train!"

"Indeed! We must work off all the tacos!"

(Sound of someone striking a pose.)

(And yes, that does make a noise when it's Gai doing it.)

Guess the pose was a little too enthusiastic, because it was immediately followed with the sound of someone being violently ill, which was quickly joined by the sound of someone projectile vomiting.

Neji silently set out a bucket of water and then locked the door.


	3. Wherein Neji loses his pants

Authors Note: Your reviews make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Besides, when I get a review telling me how funny you guys find my story, it really makes me think, "Well, now I've definitely got to write a new chapter." Random idea for this chappy: Neji loses his pants. Actually came from the happenings of this very morning….

NOTE: I fixed the formatting so you can actually read it now. And zubon still means pants.

"Tenten!"

"Neji? It's…it's five'o'clock in the morning. What is it?"

"I can't find my pants."

"Can't…find your pants?"

"No. I think somebody stole them."

"I don't. Did you check in the laundry room?"

"They shouldn't be in the laundry room. They should be in my room."

"Well, maybe that's why you haven't found them, because you're just sitting there talking about how they should be in your room instead of looking for them!"

"But…"

"No. Go to the laundry room and look for your pants."

"But I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't have any pants on."

"…"

"…"

"Well, aren't you wearing underwear?"

"Well, yeah, but…"

"But nothing. I won't look."

"…"

"Promise."

"Okay."

"…what kind of underwear are they?"

"Why don't you go check in there for me?"

"What? No! Go yourself! What kind of underwear are they?"

"…"

"If you tell me I'll go look for you."

"Pervert."

"Shut up and tell me."

"Fine! Briefs."

"Really? Hunh."

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"No, I just had you pinned as a boxer's kind of guy."

"Why is that?"

"Well, you're a lot like Sasuke, you know, the whole "I am dark and moody and moving toward my inescapable destiny" thing, and he wears boxer's, so I just figured you did too."

"…oh. Really? 'cause, I don't. I wear briefs."

"Yeah."

"Wait—how do you know what kind of underwear Sasuke wears?"

"Ino and Sakura told me."

"And how do they—urgh. Okay, I am so shutting my blinds at night from now on. Wait—I've been leaving my blinds up and my window open since it got warm, and I bet that's how the thief got in and stole my pants!"

"Neji, I really don't think anyone stole your pants."

"So where did they go, if no one stole them?

"Look, don't you have another pair?"

"No. What do I need another pair for? I can only wear one at a time anyway."

"…you do wash them, right?"

"Of course!"

"Look, why not just borrow something from Rock Lee?"

"NASTY!"

"Okay, bad idea. Why not someone else, then? Just long enough to go and buy another pair. Then, whether or not you find the other ones, you're still set."

"Who, though?"

"Look, there's…look, I'll ask him for you, okay? Stay here!"

"Wait—Tenten!"

Tenten quickly ran out of the house.

"Shikamaru! Please come back here!"

He turned slowly, and then steadily made his way back. He sniffed, then looked at Tenten with a rather pout-like expression. She immediately started to chatter.

"Look, Shikamaru, can I have a pair of your pants?"

He blinked. "What? What do you need a pair of my pants for?"

"Well, I don't need them, Neji does. He's lost his." She explained. He stared at her.

"Someone stole Neji's pants?" Tenten stared back.

"What? No, he lost them."

"He only has one pair of pants, so wouldn't he keep good track of them?"

"How do you know Neji only has one pair of pants?"

They stared at each other for a long, awkward moment. Shikamaru tilted his head to the side and looked at her, and Tenten found herself tilting her own head in imitation. He slowly raised one hand. She raised hers, too. She quickly glanced at the ground to make sure he hadn't caught her in his shadow jutsu.

He hadn't.

When she looked up again, she noticed that he had looked at the ground too. She leaned toward him, and he leaned forward too. She felt her face twisting to imitate his pout. She lifted one foot. He did too. He flung both arms out and leaned backwards. She did too.

They realized simultaneously that they were playing a game of Mirror in the middle of the street. They put their hands back down and stared at the ground, their faces turning red. Shikamaru rubbed the back of his neck, embarrased.

"Uh, I've got a pair he can borrow." He muttered. Tenten nodded shortly and quickly glanced around to ensure no one had witnessed that.

-…-

Neji stared down at his pants, disconcerted.

"Um, are you sure these are Shikamaru's? They look like they would fit Chouji."

"Shikamaru said his mother bought them as a sort of grow-into pair."

Neji tried to think of something to say to that, he really did. He even opened his mouth, but ended up shutting it again. There wasn't anything you could say to that.

Tenten tried to explain. "Well, if he lent you his regular pants they'd be about two sizes too small. You know he's skinnier than you."

"Okay, so he gives me these instead, which are three sizes too big."

"At least they aren't too tight."

"You're really reaching there, Tenten."

She shook her head. "Let's just go to the store and buy a new pair, okay?"

They had gotten about one third of the way there when they ran into Kiba. Or, more accurately, Kiba ran directly into Neji, who made an "oomph" noise and then smacked the dog boy. Kiba darted behind the two of them as voices sounded from down the street and the rest of his team came into sight.

Kurenai looked pissed, Hinata tired and Shino—well, Shino looked like Shino. End of story.

Kurenai trotted up. "Okay, hand him ov—jeez, Neji, what's with your pants?"

He faceslapped. "They're not mine! Mine were stolen!"

Shino adjusted his glasses. "Someone stole your pants?"

"H-he probably just lost them." Stammered Hinata. She glanced fearfully at her cousin. Kurenai and Tenten nodded in agreement.

"I don't know why men always have to say something was stolen whenever they lose it! And speaking of lost," growled Kurenai. "I believe you have something that belongs to us. A rather dirty something."

She peered around Neji to glare directly into Kiba's face. "A something that needs his bath."

Kiba squealed like a woman and clutched at Neji. "Neji-sama, please, protect me! I promise, I don't know anything about who stole your pants!"

"You know who stole my pants?" yelled Neji, outraged. Kiba whimpered.

"It was that idiot Naruto's idea! Just don't make me take a bath!"

Neji grabbed him by the front of his coat.

"It's gonna be a bubble bath, pants-thief."

-…-

Neji climbed easily into Naruto's window. Unfortunately, his pants got tangled in his feet and he fell—straight onto Naruto, who yelled and immediately started flailing his limbs, smacking both of them repeatedly. Neji hit him to make him stop, but the other boy couldn't tell the difference between his own strikes and Neji's, so he just kept windmilling his arms.

"Naruto! Stop hitting me, you pants thief!"

"I'll defeat you! Believe it!"

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

There was a series of ungodly noises, accompanied by several crashes and loud screams.

-…-

Neji gave one final tug to the rope he'd tied around Naruto. He placed a triumphant foot upon his captured prey.

"Where are my pants, Naruto?"

"I haven't got 'em—OW! JEEZ, I HAVEN'T GOT 'EM, DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?"

"Then where are they?"

"I dunno! I lost track of 'em! Honestly!"

Neji frowned. He would get no more out of this one. He turned to go, but his dramatic exit was spoiled by tripping over his pants.

As he recovered and jumped out the window with the remains of his dignity, he thought he heard a small, "Believe it!" from behind him, but he decided to ignore what he had come to view as an invitation to pummel Naruto and kept going. There were more important things happening.

-…-

Neji quickly put on the suspenders he had stolen from Naruto. Bad enough that Tenten knew what kind of underwear he wore, he didn't need all of Konoha actually seeing them!

He set off, but quickly discovered a new problem. Before, the pants were in constant danger of falling down. Now, they stayed up, but everytime he took a step they dropped down almost to his knees and then popped back up almost to his armpits. As he ran, he reminded himself strongly of someone underwater, with really big pants on and suspenders that were far too long.

"Why does Naruto even have suspenders this long?" He felt along the inside and found a tag. He read it silently. Umino Iruka. Why was a pair of Iruka-sensei's suspenders over at Naruto's house, and why did the man own suspenders at all? Standard issue ninja pants had elastic in them!

"There you are!"

Neji turned, puzzled and a little apprehensive. For a wild moment he thought it must be Iruka, come to retrieve his suspenders with great vengeance! But the only person he saw was a small man with a rather dirty apron on over his clothes, smeared with many different colors. Maybe this man knew where his pants were!

"Did you find my pants?" he asked the man who ran up to him.

"What? No, I found you! We can't do the show without you, you know that! Why did you go running off? Now we've barely got enough time to put your makeup on!" He grabbed Neji and started dragging him away.

Neji swallowed as he was dragged. Make-up?

He was too startled to fight back during the trip, but after they got him back to the circus tent and into the makeup trailor, he started to protest, in a polite, quiet fashion, calmly explaining to them that he was not their lost clown and that he could not possibly perform in their show.

"GET OFF OF ME, YOU FREAKS! STOP TRYING TO PUT MAKE-UP ON ME!"

"But, but, you must put your face-paint on for the show, Mr. Giggles!"

"Mr. Giggles? Look, I am not Mr. Giggles! I am Hyuuga Neji and—GET THAT BRUSH AWAY FROM ME! I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT MR. GIGGLES!"

"Hold still!"

"Stop fighting, please! You must get your face painted!"

Neji decided this was something he could never tell anyone about right about the time five makeup women pinned him to the chair and painted his face white and his eyes black. They were about to get his lips with the red when he pulled a trick he had learned from a young Hinata: He imitated a fruitbat.

"EEeerAghEEJAHHHHH!" He squealed. "ErrRAAHH!"

Startled, the women stopped applying make-up. Elated at the relaxation of their guard, he sprinted out. He'd have to thank Hinata for teaching him that.

He raced through the village, ignoring people's shocked looks. He'd find Tenten. She would know what to do now.

A growling stopped him. He peeked behind a shop, and then stepped back, horrified.

There was Akamaru. Gnawing happily on his pants. His jaw dropped in horror.

"No!" he whispered. "No! No, this can't—no, this isn't real, this isn't happening!"

There was a ripping noise as the dog tore another chunk off.

Neji lost it.

"ZUUU-BOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" he screamed, going down on one knee. Akamaru barked, and he slid down into the fetal position and starting muttering to himself.

Several passersby shook their heads sadly.


	4. Wherein Neji becomes an avenger

Authors Note: My friend Ryan was the inspiration for the fruitbat thing, and Jean gave me the idea to have him kidnapped and then find his pants dognapped. Thanks you guys! And this song is by S Club 7. If you listen to it…well, you should just be able to tell by the lyrics how weird the song choice is.

"Everyone has something they had to leave behind….one regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time..there's no use looking back or wondering…how it could be now or might have been…oh, this I know, but still I can't find ways to let you go…"

--Dramatically—

"I never had a dream come true…till the day that I found you…even though I pretend that I've moved on, you'll always be my baby—EEK!"

The music played on, unheeded, as Tenten and Gai stared in shock at Neji, whose face turned red. He crossed his arms and huffed.

"What, I'm not allowed to sing along with the radio?"

They just shook their heads.

Neji waited until they were far enough away, then launched into the finale.

"You'll always be the dream that fills my head—yes you will, say you will, you know you will, baby—you'll always be the one I know—I'll never forget—there's no use looking back or wondering _or wondering_…because love is a strange and funny thing…no matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye No no no no!"

He sang the chorus with gusto, still not noticing the fact that Rock Lee and Gai-sensei had planted a tape recorder in his room some time ago to get back for the one he and Tenten had put in theirs.

"A part of me will always be with you…" His voice trailed off and he placed a hand over his heart with a sigh. This song always got to him. He clicked off the radio and left to train.

He was in the middle of the crowded marketplace when Rock Lee figured out how to play the tape on the village-wide loudspeakers.

Everyone turned to stare at Neji, who silently dropped in a ball and made a firm resolution to never get up again.

He was going to kill Rock Lee, and then he was going to kill himself.

"I never had a dream come true…till the day that I found you…"

Neji curled tighter. Couldn't a guy sing along with the radio once in a while without it turning around to bite him, hard, in unmentionable places?

Well, fine. He would just find Rock Lee and punch him, hard, in unmentionable places. That wouldn't lessen the embarrasment, but seeing turning Rock Lee into a permanant falsetto singer might convince him to not kill himself.

It might. The tape stopped playing. Neji still didn't move. Night fell, and the marketplace emptied. Neji arose, an avenger of the night, off to stalk his prey.

Rock Lee would die this very night.


	5. Wherein Rock Lee has a stalker

Rock Lee felt a Presence. It was following him very stealthily, but he was still Quite Aware. He whirled around.

"Stalking is not youthful!" he shouted. He waited for his Unyouthful Stalker to show himself, but no one appeared. Rock Lee thought about it, then decided to find Gai-sensei, just in case it was the Creepy sand boy coming to try and finish him off—again. It was Creepy the first time, Disturbing all the times after. Having Gai there, however, seemed to discourage most attempts on Rock Lee's life.

Lee didn't know how right his assessment of the situation really was.

-…-

"Gai-sensei! I have a Stalker!"

Gai looked up, startled. So did Asuma, Genma, Raidou, and Kakashi. Gai immediately sprang to his feet, while the four shared a look that clearly said, "How in the hell did that freaky little kid figure out where we play poker? And how did he get into Asuma's basement?" Asuma looked disturbed.

"A Stalker, Rock Lee? But stalking is not youthful!"

"I know, Sensei! But I could sense them behind me!"

Gai thoughtfully rubbed his chin. Rock Lee had an Idea.

"Perhaps if Kakashi would consent to summon his nindogs, we could track them and discover who engages in such behavior!"

Gai's brain promptly shorted out. On one hand, he had to protect his Precious Person. But on the other, how could he accept help from his Eternal Rival!

Kakashi watched for a few moments, amused, then decided that if Gai suffered from permanent brain damage there would be no one willing to play games of rock paper scissors with him. He summoned Pakkun, and told to track Rock Lee's stalker. Just as the dog nodded, however, the lights flicked off.

Rock Lee and Gai immediately started bellowing. Genma and Raidou started working their way toward the lightswitch. Asuma started scrambling for his lighter. Kakashi just pressed himself against the wall and waited for things to calm down.

"AAAAaaaahhhhoooohohohohoh!" Everyone stopped. _That_ hadn't sounded good.

The lights flicked back on, to reveal Rock Lee curled up in fetal position. Someone had kicked him, hard, in unmentionable places. Gai stared in horror.

Pakkun and Kakashi quickly disappeared out the door. A moment later, they reappeared, with Kakashi holding Neji by the scruff of his neck. He hauled him over to Gai.

"I believe this belongs to you."

"Neji!" Gai immediately launched into a long lecture about Harming One's Teammates, while Asuma and the others bent over Rock Lee, who was exibiting Owl Face—his round eyes taking up approximately 79.65 percent of his face. He was still squeaking.

"Uh, is he gonna be okay?"


	6. Wherein Hinata's evil is revealed

It was summer now, and team Gai had decided to go swimming. Not that certain members of team Gai hadn't attempted to go swimming in the middle of winter, but colds were not youthful and pneumonia even less so, so they had ceased and desisted at the prodding of the two sane members of the team.

Tenten did a graceful swan dive into the pool. Neji executed a perfect jackknife. Gai thundered into the pool with a cannonball. Rock Lee performed a spectacular belly flop and slowly sank into the water without moving. Hinata looked at him, a flush rising to her cheeks.

"Is—is he going to be alright, Neji?"

As he climbed out of the pool to sit beside his cousin, Neji looked back over his shoulder at Rock Lee, who had reached the bottom and still wasn't moving. As Neji watched, he slowly rolled over listlessly in the water, revealing a stunned expression. A stream of bubbles issued from his mouth, and he slowly began to float toward the surface. Neji waited until he reached air and actually took a breath, and then turned back toward Hinata.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'll recover in a minute or two. And by the way, thanks for inviting us to use your pool. Is the rest of your team coming?"

Neji was rather looking forward to spending the day with Shino. They could sit and stare at nothing together all day long, completely ignoring everything around them. It would be a nice respite from the usual stupidity of his team. But Hinata shook her slightly. Alas, it was not to be.

"No, Kiba and Shino are on a mission. But, I invited Naruto's team. They should be here soon."

Neji stared at her in horror. "You brought Kakashi and Gai together!"

Before Hinata turned her face away, he caught a glint in her eye, and began to realize the awful truth.

"You…" he whispered. "You're secretly an evil mastermind, aren't you?"

A dark giggle escaped her before she could compose herself. Neji slowly backed away and then ran to the other side of the pool when he had reached a safe distance.

-…-

"Hey! Hinata! We're here!"

She turned. "Oh, Naruto!" A fierce blush lit her cheeks and she looked dangerously close to fainting. Sasuke ignored her as Naruto bounded over to say hello—probably with an enthusiastic hug, thus guaranteeing the faint. Sometimes Naruto seemed a little more aware of his effect on her than anybody thought.

Looking around, Sasuke spotted Neji hiding in some bushes. Noticing that he'd caught Sasuke's gaze, Neji gestured frantically. Sasuke considered it for a minute. Sakura would start freaking out the instant he took his shirt off to get in the water, and Tenten was likely to stare too. Naruto was attempting to revive Hinata, (unsuccessfully), and Kakashi and Gai had spotted each other. Neji, as crazy as he was acting, was probably his best chance of sane conversation at the moment. He walked over to the bush and crouched down behind it.

"Hinata is evil," hissed Neji. "We have to do something."

Well. So much for sane conversation. Sasuke eyed Hinata, who was still lying limply in Naruto's lap. She would probably just faint again once she realized where she was.

"So, is her evil a recent thing, or has she always been evil and we just didn't notice?" he said sarcastically. Neji grabbed his shoulders in desperation.

"No, Sasuke, you have to believe me! Look for yourself!"

Sasuke glanced back at them. Hinata was still out cold. He looked back at Neji, displeased. Neji turned his head back.

"_Really_ look." He insisted quietly. "Look at her eyes."

Sasuke frowned, and then he looked again. He gasped when he saw that Hinata's eyes were open a slit. She was watching them! Even at the distance they were from her, he could feel the evil. He and Neji ducked back behind the bush in horror.

"Holy crap!" Sasuke desperately grabbed Neji. "What do we do!"

"I don't know, but keep your voice down!"

Sasuke worked to control his breathing. Neji sat back on his heels and thought hard. Who could help them?

He looked at Sasuke suddenly. "I have an idea."

To be continued…


	7. Wherein Hinata's evil is revealed Part 2

Sasuke and Neji ran terrified through the streets of Konoha, occasionally glancing behind them to make sure they weren't being followed. They ignored the look the people were giving them, they ignored the hot pavement against their bare feet and the hot sun on their bare shoulders, and they ignored the fact that they were screaming at the top of their lungs while running through the village in nothing but their swim trunks.

They sprinted along until they came to the edge of the village. They kept running until they came to a grassy hill with a good view of the sky. They heaved a sigh of relief in unison when they saw Shikamaru laying there, looking supremely bored.

He looked up when they walked over.

"Hey. I notice you have swim shorts, Neji. Why didn't you just wear those? I'm sure they would have fit better than my pants."

Neji glanced at Sasuke nervously, who was giving him a weird look.

"It's a long story, Sasuke. Look, Shikamaru, we need your help!"

He blinked. Sasuke face slapped.

"Look, Shikamaru, Hinata has turned evil! We have to stop her! We…" he stopped. Shikamaru was laughing!

Shikamaru shook his head. "Oh, is that what you were worried about? It's okay. Hinata is really—urgh!"

Hinata popped up from the ground at Shikamaru's feet. She punched him the face, knocking him out. She stood over him and laughed maniacally as Neji and Sasuke stared in horror.

She suddenly stopped laughing. Her hands darted out, glowing with chakra. She slammed them into Sasuke and Neji's stomachs and disappeared into the ground again.

-...-

Neji and Sasuke stared at the ground where she had disappeared for a long, long, moment.

Then they ran.

-…-

Iruka had let Naruto talk him into going to the ramen stand for the seventeenth night in a row. He figured that as long he had vegetables for lunch and drank lots of nutritionally supplemental shakes, there was no harm in trying to break their standing record of twenty-three ramen dinners in a row.

He was waiting outside the stand, looking down the street for Naruto, when Neji and Sasuke appeared.

They were wearing nothing but swim trunks, and they were waving their arms wildly and screaming. As they got closer, he could hear what they were saying.

Neji was screaming:

"ROCKLEEROCKLEEROCKLEEROCKLEEROCKLEE—"

…while waving his arms, while Sasuke was screaming:

"HELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELP—"

…while waving his arms.

He reached out and grabbed their shoulders as they ran past, halting them in their tracks. He spun them around to face him.

"_What_ is going on, boys?" he demanded. "You look like a pair of fools, running around like that!"

Neji struggled to get free.

"But, but, you don't understand!"

Sasuke grabbed Neji's arms and yanked. They both came free and tumbled to the ground. Sasuke looked up at Iruka.

"Hinata is evil! She's already gotten Shikamaru, and she did that weird pressure point thingy on us, and now we can't use chakra!"

Neji hauled himself to his feet.

"Now, Rock Lee is the only one who can save us!"

Sasuke stood up too.

"Yeah! He doesn't use chakra! He's the only one who will be able to defeat her!"

Iruka had been teaching for many years. He knew by now when to just let it go and not ask questions.

"Good luck with that, boys."

-…-

To be continued…

(Don't worry, it's just a three-parter.)


	8. Wherein Hinata's evil is revealed Part 3

AN: Hey, if you want illustrations of this (very poor ones, and at the moment of writing this, only one, but still) check out my profile for the linkie and the BIG offer I'm making about an illustration/oneshot trade. Good for all involved—go see!

…Please?

And while I'm bugging you, I'm going to be writing a new story soon and I'm shamelessly plugging it here. It's going to be called "Skinny Dipping: A Documentary" and will do for Kakashi's team what this one does for Gai's. 'twill be much fun! I'm planning on doing one for everyone eventually. Once I get off my butt and get writing…

end transmission

"Hey, Rock Lee…remember how I said that never in my life would I ask you for a favor? That I would rather impale myself, shove black licorice up my nose, shave my head, and then go sit on an ant pile fully naked and slathered in honey before I put myself in debt to you?"

"**Of _Course_** I remember!"

"Yeah. Well, I need a favor."

"Anything for a Teammate! What is it you need, Neji?"

Neji scuffed at the ground with his bare toe. He still didn't want to ask Rock Lee for a favor, especially after he had said he'd do all that stuff, but he really didn't want to sit naked on an ant pile while slathered in honey, either. The honey might attract Hinata, for one thing. His cousin had always had a sweet tooth.

Sasuke nudged him, and he jumped slightly. Better to get it over with.

"Rock Lee, Hinata has finally revealed herself as an evil mastermind. She's paralyzed our chakra, and you're now the only one with any chance of defeating her. Are you up to this mission?"

Neji wasn't sure, but he thought that maybe if it were possible, Rock Lee's eyes would have been a little wider and rounder. It was hard to tell.

"Fight an evil mastermind? I don't know if I have enough Youthful Exuberance for that…especially after that belly flop…"

Neji and Sasuke looked at Lee's stomach. It was bright red and—

"His skin is bubbling," moaned Sasuke in horror. A shudder ran through Neji. Rock Lee calmly went back to smearing ointment on the afflicted area. (AN: Okay, that freaked even me out. Ew!)

Neji shook his head firmly.

"Rock Lee, we need you. Konoha needs you. And of course you can do it!"

Sasuke was starting to stare at him. He plunged forward anyway.

"Do you think it's a coincidence that your name is Lee? Why, you're right up there with the great ones, Bruce Lee and Jet Lee!"

"I'm pretty sure that it's actually Jet Li." muttered Sasuke.

"Well, as I recall, Rock Lee is actually Rokku Rii, so it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Sasuke's brow furrowed. The translations were getting to his head. Neji ignored him in favor of watching Lee think it over.

The result was inevitable, really.

"Show me to this Evil Mastermind! I shall defeat her with **Youthful Exuberance**, for I am **ROCK LEE**!"

-…-

The three of them were crowded behind the same bush. Sasuke and Neji were rather crowded, but Rock Lee had a lot more room since the other two were attempting to avoid his stomach, which was starting to ooze some kind of pus. (AN: Oh, that is _still_ so gross.) It was covered in some kind of sores which were what was oozing and okay, if I carry this stupid joke any further I'm going to squick myself too much to keep writing. A vivid imagination is NOT a good thing in this situation.

They were watching Hinata. She was standing there being all evil, and they were watching her do it. Sasuke felt kind of dirty.

And then she turned around with the speed of a mechanical rhinoceros and started charging toward them. Sasuke and Neji shrieked girlishly and turned to flee, but Rock Lee stood up. Hinata slowed and then stopped as she came closer to Rock Lee's determined face.

ALERT: BIG SHOWDOWN STARTING. THIS IS LIKE THAT THING AT O.K. CORRAL WHEN ALL THOSE GUYS ARE SHOOTING EACH OTHER, WITH THOSE GUNS, AND IT'S ALL COOL, EXCEPT, LIKE, EVERYBODY DIES. I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN HERE. BUT IT'S GONNA BE BIG.

They eyed each other, trying to measure each other's power. Rock Lee took a moment to give Neji and Sasuke a weird look.

"Hey, guys? I may be wrong, since I haven't talked to sensei about it, but I don't think a shriek as girly as that is Youthful, even when a girl does it. 'Cause, well, that was _really_ girly. Like, even a girl would be disgusted with another girl being that girly. That's how girly that was. And it really wasn't youthful at all. Not that I'm making non-constructive criticism on a teammate. I have to talk to Gai-sensei about it. I will later. Then I'll get back to you."

This said, he turned back to Hinata, except that that was really a lot longer than just a moment, and she was already charging toward him again with blue glowy stuff around her hands.

Rock Lee made a plan and followed through, and neatly dodged. She spun around without losing momentum and came at him again, but he did two solchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold, and once again her attack failed. She turned into a grizzly bear and attacked him, but he used his magical fire breath to save the ninja fair.

So what will Rock Lee do, since he is here today? I'm sure he'll kick a tail or two! That is what Rock Lee'll do!

Lee! Fight! Lee! Live!

Hinata jumped into a wormhole, and he went after her. He traveled through time, to the year 3010, then fought the evil mastermind and saved Konoha again.

When Rock Lee built the pyramids, he beat up Kublai Kahn…because Rock Lee doesn't take bull from a-ny-bo-dy!

Rock Lee decided to take a break, and eat some chicken wings. Sasuke noticed what he was doing, and shrieked out a warning.

"No! Rock Lee! Those chicken wings are really spicy, don't eat those!"

But Rock Lee ignored him and started popping them down.

Neji started saying to anyone who would listen, "I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings. I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings. I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings."

AAAHHHH!

"I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings!"

AAAHHHH!

"I've never seen a man EAT SO MANY CHICKEN WINGS!"

AAAHHHH!

I'VE NEVER SEEN A MAN EAT SO MANY CHICKEN WINGS!"

AAAHHHH!

"I'VE NEVER SEEN A MAN EAT SO MANY CHICKEN WINGS!"

Lee! Skate! Lee! Fight!

Rock Lee was born in the village of Konoha. He came to earth to save us all from war and death and such!

Hi de lo de hi de lay! Rock Lee is here! So round up all your ninja, and tell 'em to have no fear!

Say, come over here, Hinata, and you're gonna lose this fight. And I'm gonna twist the plot real soon, 'cause that is what Rock Lee would do!

'Cause that is what Rock Lee would do!

There was an awesome guitar thingie, and then Shikamaru popped up looking annoyed.

"Rock Lee! You just destroyed my newly-built Hinata-bot in an awesomely insane rock song routine! Do you know how much time I spent to build that? All you had to do was flip the switch from evil to not evil!"

He shook his head and gathered up the remains of his robot and sadly walked away.

Neji and Sasuke stared after him. Then Sasuke spoke.

"I hate you so much, Neji."

End.

AN: The song is "What would Brian Boitano Do," and I know I seriously screwed up the parody and the timing is wrong and it sounds dumb and lots of people probably don't know the song and I DON'T CARE! It was still an insanely awesome rock song routine! So there!


	9. Wherein Gai and Rock Lee have secrets

Gai stepped into Rock Lee's room.

"Are you ready for tonight, Lee?"

Rock Lee gave a salute. "Yes, Sensei!"

"Then—strip!"

They stripped. Gai reached up and pulled the pudding bowl haircut off his head, revealing a neatly-trimmed brown mane. Lee did the same, showing shaggy blonde hair. Gai and Lee then pulled off their faces, revealing faces with small eyebrows and no strange, excessive eyelashes. Lee's eyes were not round, and while Gai's nose was large, it was not abnormally huge. Next, they shed their green outfits, underneath which were jeans and rather nice shirts. They took off their ninja shoes and slipped on sneakers.

Gai looked at Lee again. "You sure you're ready?"

"Of course, Sensei." Lee's voice was cheerful, but no longer loud or exuberant.

They walked out the door and down the street, laughing and joking.

For this is their secret—Maito Gai and Rock Lee are normal, everyday people.

-…-

A man with brown hair stepped into the club with a blonde teenager following behind. The proprietor grinned and gave a small wave as the two seated themselves at the bar. He elbowed a worker who was near him.

"My favorite customers! You don't know them, do you, Craig?"

The man grinned widely. "I'm Gary, and this is my cousin, Rick."

Rick smiled and waved. Then he gagged. Choking and coughing he fell on the floor.

The proprietor looked at Gary, worried. "Is he okay?"

Gary looked down at Rick, who was foaming at the mouth. "Yah, he's fine. Just got a hairball, that's all."

Rick continued to gag and hack, until, with a truly disgusting and rather wet noise, he hocked up a hairball. Gary nodded knowingly.

"See, that's what was bothering him. Now that he's got it out, he'll be fine. Can I get a cherry coke, Craig?"

Craig nodded, nimbly stepping over Rick, who was beginning to smoke.

Gary nudged Rick out of the way with his foot, then stepped out onto to dance floor. He loved him a good linedance.

Back at the bar, fur was beginning to sprout from the exposed parts of Rick's body, and his mouth was pushing out into a snout.

Craig glanced down at him. "Tell your cousin his coke's ready, when he gets back." He trounced off as Rick began to scream while his eyes bulged.

Rick threw his head back and howled, a truly heart-piercing sound. The other club-goers froze mid-linedance (except for Gary, he kept dancing all by himself), sensing a predator. Rick snarled.

They scattered, screaming, as Gary gave a howl of his own, then gave chase.

For this is their other secret—Maito Gai and Rock Lee are werewolves.

-…-

A few moments later, when the carnage was ended, two buck naked, normal, everyday werewolves emerged from the restaurant. They were streaked with blood and small scraps of – things. Craig traipsed after them.

"Your coats, sirs." He said, calmly handing the articles of clothing to them.

Gary nodded his thanks.

"A good waiter." Murmured Rick as he slipped on his green suit. He donned his face and slapped his hair back on as Gary did the same.

Gai posed. "A night beautifully, spent, Rock Lee! Let's go home!"

"Youthfully, sensei!"


	10. Wherein we Meet Gai's daughter

Gai pranced over to his team.

"Team!" he paused for a moment, and struck a pose. "I have some advice, some news, and someone for you to Meet!"

"In that order?" asked Neji.

"**YES**!"

Gai struck another pose while simultaneously clearing his throat, accidentally spitting a wad of phlegm in Neji's eye. Neji froze in place. Tenten reached over and wiped away the large green snot-ball, clearing Neji's vision and allowing him to give Gai a death-glare. Gai was able to ignore it since he was doing another pose. He did a few more, then went into his Teaching Pose (legs spread, arms akimbo. Gives a sense of authority.)

"Advice first. This is mostly for Tenten, but you boys should pay attention as well."

They listened.

"Posing too vigorously can get a woman pregnant."

Tenten face slapped. Rock Lee blinked rapidly and Neji didn't blink at all. He was going slowly into a Gai-coma.

"News second. I once posed too vigorously with a beautiful woman. And the person I want you to Meet is my long-lost daughter. **HER NAME IS AMY!**"

Neji rubbed his ears as a long-legged girl appeared. She said something, but he was still deaf, so he just stared at her incredibly long legs instead of responding. She was as tall as Gai, and most of that height appeared to be in her thighs and calves. She also had bright blue hair, which they stared at for a while longer. Rock Lee sprang up once the deafness wore off.

"It is good to Meet you, **AMY!**"

Neji set a hand on Rock Lee's shoulder and tried to explain gently.

"Rock Lee, I don't think her name is actually **AMY**. I think Gai-sensei just said it that way because he was excited. I'm pretty sure it's actually just Amy, right?"

He looked at her for confirmation, who shrugged.

"That's what I'm called, yes. Amy. But it does say **AMY** on the birth certificate, so you can call me whatever you want."

She giggled, and the light in the room grew brighter. Neji blinked.

"Amy." He hissed in Lee's ear before moving away.

A red light began to blink as an alarm started to warble.

"A mission!" shouted Tenten. They all slid down the pole to the secret underground lair, where they milled about aimlessly for several minutes trying to find the invisible entrance. Amy eventually found it by whipping out a small computer and using modern technology.

They arrived at the scene—a giant monster was ravaging Tokyo! Er, Konoha!

They sprang into action, but were immediately slapped into a convenient (or inconvenient, rather) wall that appeared out of nowhere. They'd spent so much time in the underground lair that the monster had grown too strong for them!

"Whatever shall we do?" shrieked Gai, slapping his hands to his cheeks. Neji groaned in response.

Amy took the lead.

"MERCURY STAR POWER!" she yelled. The three team members pushed themselves up on their elbows and watched her spin around in a complicated dance. She finished with a knock-kneed pose that made Neji's eyes widen.

"She's definitely Gai's daughter." He muttered to himself.

"MERCURY BUBBLES!" she shrieked. She proceeded to whup the monster in an incredibly girly fashion while Gai cheered. When she finished, Gai had waterfalls streaming down his face. He opened his arms, and she rushed into them as a large, magnificent sunset accompanied by a tall wave. If Gai's tears were waterfalls, then **AMY**'s were sprinklers. They shot out from her eyes in a sparkly shower.

Neji flipped himself over to get tanned on the other side. He wasn't sure how Rock Lee's flaming eyes were producing UV rays, but he was afraid he might be getting a sunburn.

Tenten crawled over to Neji. "I think Rock Lee might be jealous," she started to whisper, but halted and shrieked in pain from the instant sunburn caused by Rock Lee's eyes. Neji flipped himself over again.

Rock Lee leapt on Amy and started shrieking and pummeling her. "Go back to where you came from, Space-time witch!"

A boy with incredibly long legs and broad shoulders appeared. He was wearing glasses. He was accompanied by an equally long-legged woman with incredibly long black hair. The boy spoke.

"Actually, she's not the space-time witch."

"I am." Said the woman. "Do you have a wish?"

"Yes!" Rock Lee yelled. He jabbed an angry finger at Amy. "Get rid of her!"

The woman leaned over and stroked Rock Lee's face in a disturbing way. "There will be a price." She whispered.

"I'll pay!"

"Very well. No one will remember…"

-…-

Neji stared at Rock Lee, who was gazing in the mirror disconsolately.

"I didn't think she'd ask for that…"

Neji smacked Rock Lee. Hard. (But not in unmentionable places. Just across the back of the head. Just to reassure you. In case you were worried or something. Yah.)

"I still wanna know why the hell you shaved your eyebrows off, Lee."

-…-

Authors PostNote: Okay, the two crossovers are Sailor Moon and XxX Holic. I'm pretty sure everyone got the first, but the second one isn't as popular, so I'd figured I'd tell you. Just in case you were wondering. Sorry for taking so long to update.


	11. Wherein Neji goes commando

"Okay, the first thing to do is confiscate all of Neji's underwear."

Tenten blinked. "Okay, why are we doing this again?"

Gai and Rock Lee blinked back at her.

"Neji has been far too uptight lately. This will make him feel better."

Tenten sighed. "Guys, it's a nice thought, really, but I don't think he's been uptight because of a wedgie."

Lee shrugged. "We shall try it anyway!"

-…-

Neji twitched as he walked down the street. He hadn't been able to find a single pair of his own underwear that morning, and had ended up just not wearing any. It made him feel nervous, but at the same time…

He swiveled his hips. "Hey." He muttered. "I feel good. I feel…free."

He spun around in a circle. "I could sing!"

He took in a deep breath.

"I'm not wearing underwear today! No, I'm not wearing underwear today!"

He rushed through the streets of Konoha in delight. He grabbed a random person off of the street and sang to them.

"Not that you probably care much about my underwear; still, nonetheless, I gotta saaaaaaaaaaaaay—"

"That"

"I'm"

"Not"

"Wearing"

"Underwear"

"Todaaaay!"

A few people clapped in a confused sort of way. Neji continued walking down the street. He saw Ino and waved at her.

"Good morning!" he said cheerfully. She waved back, a little puzzled. He grinned at her and kept walking. Then he saw Hinata. He rushed over.

"Hinata-sama! How are you?"

She flinched back. "Um…I'm all right…"

He grinned. "That's great! Say, did you get your hair trimmed?"

She nodded.

"Well, it looks great! Hey, have I ever told you that I really like that jacket you always wear? It looks great on you! Well, you have a great day!"

He walked off, and she stared after him.

He ran into Shikamaru next.

"Hey, Shikamaru! Good morning! I hop your day is going as great as mine!"

Shikamaru sniffed. "No. So far it sucks."

Neji leaned in close to him in a conspiratorial manner and whispered in his ear.

-…-

Shikamaru finally came out of the bathroom. Neji raised an eyebrow.

"How do you feel?"

"I feel…like…like I want…to go work out. I feel energetic! This is great! We have to tell people about this!"

-…-

Tenten was watching TV when a commercial came on.

Neji appeared on the screen.

"Do you know someone like me? I used to be constantly grouchy. I was cold and mean, and I muttered constantly about destiny. But, now that I wear pseudo-boxers, my life is so much better!"

He held up a flimsy bit of material. "They look like boxers, but stop an inch below the waistband. All the stylishness of boxers with all the comfort and freedom of going commando! But don't take my word for it—let's take a look at this boy!"

The camera swung around to reveal Sasuke. He looked pissed.

"This grumpy boy will now put on these pseudo-boxers." He waved them at Sasuke.

"If I put these on, will you leave me alone?" he growled.

"No."

Sasuke snatched the pseudo-boxers out of Neji's hand and disappeared behind a curtain. Rustling sounds ensued for several moments, and then he reemerged.

"Well? How do you feel?" asked Neji.

Sasuke turned in a circle. "I feel…awesome. I'm going to go on a date with the first girl to come through the door!"

There was a scuffle as Ino and Sakura fought to get through the door first.

"Girls, girls!" scolded Sasuke. "It's okay! I'll just go on a double date with both of you; there's no need to fight like that!"

He waltzed out with the two girls on his arms. Neji turned to the camera and winked.


	12. Wherein Neji's forehead is lost, Part 1

Neji flopped himself down onto the couch in a grumpy huff. Tenten blinked at him over her Sunday crossword.

"What's the matter?" she asked, carefully filling in another word. Neji flung an arm over his eyes in exasperation.

"I keep hearing these awful songs in my head! Songs from Can't Slow Down and Dancing on the Ceiling!"

Tenten sniffed. "Maybe this is karma for that time you made Rock Lee think he was being stalked by Lionel Richie…"

-…-

A beep came from Rock Lee's communicator. He answered it.

"Hello?"

There was a long silence.

"Hello?" repeated Rock Lee. "It is not youthful to…"

"Hello! Is it me you're looking for?"

Rock Lee threw the communicator down with a manly shriek.

"Lionel Richie, I will not be your lover!"

-…-

Neji sniggered. Tenten glared at him.

"What? C'mon, you know it was funny."

Tenten sniffed again and returned to her crossword.

"Karma." She murmured. Neji waved her off.

"Karma is nothing. Destiny is predefined. Your actions don't affect the outcome of your life."

Tenten picked up the side table lamp and threw it at Neji. It shattered on his forehead, the impact knocking the entire couch over backwards as Neji shrieked in shock and pain.

He popped up from behind the wreckage of the couch. "What was that for?" he demanded angrily.

Tenten shrugged. "Well, it was inevitable, wasn't it? Besides, my actions don't have any consequences, do they?"

"I'll show you consequences, you—" he leapt at her. She grabbed him by the ankle and threw him into a wall.

"If you admit my actions affect the immediate outcome of my life, you must admit that they affect the long-term outcome too! Say it! Say you believe in karma!"

"Never, you communist!"

"I'm not communist! I'm a libertarian!"

"What the heck is that?"

"Well, sit down and I'll tell you the principals of the party."

An hour later they were surrounded by political pamphlets, and Neji kept humming "Hello", disturbing them both.

Finally he got up. "I can't stand it. I'm hearing Lionel Richie everywhere!"

Tenten shook her head as Neji walked out.

-…-

Neji, unable to escape from the music in his head, finally went to the Hyuuga compound to visit his uncle. The man jumped guiltily when he saw him.

"Ah! Neji! Ah…I've been meaning to talk to you…" he said, trailing off.

"Talk to me about what?" asked Neji, growing suspicious. His uncle fidgeted.

"Ah…well…the family's been having some money problems of late…"

"You spent all the money betting on turtle races again, didn't you?" Said Neji flatly. His uncle winced.

"Well, yes, and this time the family elders were serious about selling me in slavery to a Southern teahouse if I didn't find the money!" said his uncle shrilly. "I had to find something to sell!"

A suspicion was growing in Neji's mind. "What did you sell?" he growled.

"The only thing I had. The controlling rights to your seal."

"_You sold my forehead?_" said Neji, outraged. The man flinched.

"I didn't have anything else to put up on eBay! I even had to get rid of my collection of little porcelain turtles!"

Neji reflected that the man was a little too obsessed with turtles. His head was pounding from the Lionel Richie choruses still echoing, and his uncle wasn't helping.

"Well, who'd you sell it to?" he demanded irritably.

"I don't know. He just signed the email, L.R."

L…R?

Oh no.


	13. Wherein Neji's forehead is lost, Part 2

Neji writhed in agony on his bed, his teammates watching him with concern. He let loose with a terrible scream and rolled off of the bed, pounding his fists on the floor.

"Maybe we should send for a priest." Whispered Tenten to Gai, worriedly.

"A priest wouldn't be able to help this." Said Gai grimly.

Neji rolled under the bed. There was silence for a few pregnant moments, and then they gave birth to the sound of a death-groan.

"Neji?" Tenten ventured. "Are you alright?" Neji's voice sounded shaky when he responded.

"I…I think something's changed. I don't hear Lionel Richie anymore. But…I keep getting these strange…urges."

Gai cleared his throat. "You know, Neji, we did have that talk about urges…"

A choking sound came from under the bed. "Not that kind."

"What kind, then?" demanded Rock Lee.

"Well…I want to carry a tiny dog in a big purse and wear huge sunglasses."

Rock Lee blinked. "That doesn't sound like the kind of urges I get."

There was a long silence. Tenten sighed. "Okay, I'll take the bait. What kind of urges do you get, Rock Lee?"

"Well, sometimes I get the urge to cover myself in lime jello, roll in a small plastic pool full of sesame seeds, then walk out into the middle of the woods so that birds eat all the seeds and I am covered in feathers, then run into the middle of the village and run around screaming youthfully, 'I am the beautiful green bird-beast of Konoha! **Fear Me**!'"

This sent Tenten into a violent fit, and Gai decided to get some medic-nins for her and Neji.

-…-

Neji stared at the ceiling, his eyes looking glassy.

"I feel funny." He complained to no one in particular. Tenten, who had recovered and was sitting a chair beside his bed, looked at him worriedly.

"How so?"

"Well, I still want to get a small dog and big sunglasses, but I also have the urge to go on a crash diet. And I want to enter a whirlwind, ill considered romance with a foreigner. And I want that foreigner to be referred to as a 'hottie'. That's very important to me, right now."

He reached over and stared desperately into Tenten's eyes. "Will I ever get a hottie? Will I?"

She pulled away, creeped out.

"You know, Neji," said Gai thoughtfully. "I would swear that you're now getting urges to behave just like a Hollywood starlet."

Neji rolled over and buried his face in his pillow.

"I'm going to smother myself now, okay?"

Tenten took the pillow away. "You can't do that. I'd go insane having to deal with these two without you."

Neji looked at her bleakly. "Oh, they aren't that bad. You could do it without me."

"Not that bad?" She said skeptically. He followed her gaze to where Rock Lee, across the room, was yelling at himself in the mirror.

"I'm more youthful! No, I am! I said it first! I'm more youthful than you! Youthful? Hah! You're just a reflection! I am not, you're the reflection! No, I'm not! I'm the incredibly **youthful** Rock Lee! Are not! Are too!"

Tenten's head drooped. "I hope he doesn't do that as long as last time." She muttered.

Neji sat up and carefully levered himself off the bed as Gai watched closely.

"Are you sure you're alright, Neji?" He asked.

Neji shook his head. "No, I'm not, but I've got to get to the bottom of this. I will go and seek out Lionel Richie, and undo the mischief that has been done to my forehead! Though…"

He paused thoughtfully. "I have the urge to drive drunk."

Then he left, very youthfully. He wasn't as resistant to Gai and Rock Lee's ways when he was sick.

Gai looked over at Tenten.

"Definitely a starlet."

"**I am not a reflection! I am ROCK LEE**!"


	14. Wherein Neji's forehead is lost, Part3

AN: Someone actually figured out which starlet Neji was turning into! Hurray! Anyway…will Neji ever get his forehead back? We'll just have to wait and see!

-…-

Neji staggered alongside the road, clutching his aching head and groaning. He heard the dim roar of a car approaching and dizzily held out his thumb. It screeched to a halt. One of the windows rolled down.

Neji kept himself from groaning. It was full of teenage girls.

"Are you a rapist?" one of them asked him in a very serious voice. He shook his head.

"Are you contagious?" Another one asked. He shook his head again.

"Okay, then, hop in!"

He climbed in back, right next to a girl with long pigtails and an insane looking smile. She waved at him.

"My name's Sasuke!" she said cheerfully, a big grin splitting her face.

"I know a boy named Sasuke." Neji offered cautiously. If he was going to be stuck traveling with her, he might as well try to make friends.

"Yah, I picked the name myself, after the legendary Sarutobi Sasuke. Impressive, isn't it?"

"It's stupid." Said one of the other girls. "You're a pirate, and Sarutobi Sasuke was a legendary _ninja_."

The pigtailed girl ignored her. "Speaking of such things, where do you stand on the pirate-ninja feud?"

"I'm from an ancestral ninja clan."

She narrowed her eyes. "That's funny. I'm a pirate captain, and these girls just happen to be my crewmembers."

Neji swallowed. This was going to be a long trip.

-…-

Three hours later, his head still ringing with five hundred years of pirate history and one thousand and one reasons pirates were better than ninjas, he was dropped off in Hollywood, which is apparently amazingly close to Konoha.

He picked the nearest girl in huge sunglasses.

"Excuse me, but do you know which Hollywood starlet is close to Lionel Richie?"

"Uh, Nicole Richie, his daughter, duh?"

He resisted the urge to punch her in the face.

"And what has she been doing that's important lately?" Important being a relative term.

"Uh, she just had her birthday, duh!"

The urge to punch her got stronger, but he resisted. He wasn't supposed to use his ninja skills on civilians. He thanked her through gritted teeth and went to get a hamburger while he thought, though lately all he wanted to eat was grapes and he wanted to throw those up.

_I_ will_ have a hamburger!_ He said fiercely to himself. He would not let his forehead control him!

He ordered a burger that weighed a full half a pound, smothered in onions and ketchup and mustard and lettuce and tomatoes and secret sauce, glistening with fat, its bottom bun squished slightly with the weight of it. (AN: I'm feeling hungry.) He ate it all and it was delicious.

As he ate, he thought about the information. So, Nicole Richie had just had her birthday, hmm? Apparently her old man thought the rights to the forehead of an innocent (cough, cough) young boy was an appropriate birthday present. A wild party would explain the strange, conflicting urges he'd been having. The paper with the rights on it had probably gotten passed around.

He left the hamburger place, briefly considering pulling a dine and ditch to make himself feel more like a ninja and less like a starlet, but he'd already paid. He snuck out through a vent in the kitchen anyway, greatly confusing the greasy cook.

He sat up on the roof and contemplated. What to do now? Well, he had to get the rights to his forehead back. There weren't any other viable options. He just couldn't go on this way.

He had to hunt down Nicole Richie.

-…-

Nicole Richie was staying in some undesignated area of Hollywood, in an enormous mansion. It had topiary in the garden, fountains in the lawn, and Neji climbing in through a window.

He hoped he was ninja enough to pull off the job.

He dropped silently to the floor and shut his eyes. _Come on, ninja sense! Tingle!_ He thought fiercely.

No luck. He still wasn't Spiderman. _Why couldn't my uncle have sold my forehead to somebody cool?_

He padded around the place for a while, finally sneaking up on a huge, elaborate bedroom dominated by an enormous four-poster bed. Inside the bed was a tiny blonde figure that didn't stir as he snuck around the perimeter.

He slipped up to her nightstand and began shuffling around inside.

"C'mon, c'mon." he muttered. A stirring from the bed drew his attention. He tried to dash for the curtains, but slipped on the rug. On the way down, his pants flew completely off and a man stuck a camera out from behind a curtain, snapped a picture, and then disappeared. Neji jumped to his feet and yanked his pants back on as a voice spoke.

"Oh, that is sooo going to be in all the tabloids. You totally weren't wearing any underwear."

Neji growled at Nicole. "You!" he said, jabbing a finger at her. "You have the rights to my forehead, and I want them back!"

She crossed her arms and pouted. "So you're that little ninja kid Daddy gave me the rights to? Well, you can't have them back, they were my birthday present!"

She produced a piece of paper from an enormous purse. "See? It says right here…The holder of this piece of paper hereby controls the rights to the seal on the forehead of the Konoha shi…shi…what's that word?"

He snatched the paper from her. "Shinobi! The holder of this piece of paper hereby controls the rights to the seal on the forehead of the Konoha shinobi Hyuuga Neji! And I hold the piece of paper!"

Her eyes went wide. "Hey, no fair! Give it back!"

But Neji was back in full ninja form. He whipped out a kunai. "Back off, Nicole, or I'll pop your implants!"

She covered her chest with a shriek as Neji leapt out the window and sped off toward Konoha triumphantly.


End file.
